The Joy of An Ex - 'As If' Parenting

Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler

Some parents feel badly about their separation in view of the kids and are reluctant to follow through with expectations or alternately, they try to buy their children's affection with toys or favours.

These parents may think they are compensating for the child's distress over the separation, but they are really trying to assuage their own guilt. While the kids may enjoy the shower of gifts and special liberties, this only gives rise to self-righteousness - a sense of entitlement where they think they can have whatever they want and rules don't apply. Even though parental separation may be distressful, it can be overcome. A developing sense of self-righteousness can lead to selfish, self-centered, out of control children and can last a lifetime. Parents are well advised to continue parenting on the as if principle. That is to say, they parent as if they were still together - not separated. The same rules, routines, limits and expectations apply; there are no special favours and no purchasing of extra toys and games. If the children are distressed, parents should talk with them and normalize their upset, not let them get away with inappropriate behaviour or compensate with inappropriate favours or gifts.

Even if one or other parent appears not to heed this advice, this is no reason for both parents to let go of appropriate parenting. Kids need at least one responsible parent who will teach right from wrong, set limits and routines and won't spoil the child with a shower of gifts.

If parents are concerned that their child will complain or use the difference to manipulate them to grant favours as the other parent might, parents must still stand their ground. The solution is not to run down the other parent for spoiling the child, but rather to concentrate on being appropriate parents themselves.

Even in intact families children try to pit one parent against the other. So whether intact or separated, rules, routines, limits and expectations must prevail. Over time children learn there are different rules with each parent. As long as parents remain firm and cannot be swayed, children learn and behave accordingly. Over time, they also learn to respect the parent that offers rules, routines, limits and expectations as this provides for a more stable and predictable environment that encourages healthy development.

If a child objects, parents can ignore the objection and continue to parent as if. Children's protesting doesn't make their demands right. If parents wouldn't do something when in an intact family, then they shouldn't do it just because they are separated. Parents must come to terms with the fact that they only have control of themselves and their domicile. They do not have control of the other parent or their domicile. As if parenting begins in one's own home.

Lastly, kids will naturally test limits and boundaries. This is true of intact families and those where the parents are separated. Not all behaviour is tied to the separation. If the parents can communicate and cooperate, then they can set mutually acceptable rules, routines, limits and expectations. If the parents cannot agree, then they must recognize they can only control behaviour in their own home. Over time kids do learn the different rules the parents have and adjust. There is no need to discuss the difference between one house and the other. This keeps attention mired in the separation and conflict. Rather, attention should be directed to the time with the children and should be enjoyed and managed accordingly. Parent as if. It will remove the pressure and teach children that they remain bound by rules, routines and expectations. If a child is having a difficult time adjusting, consider talking with them and expressing feelings though discussion. In so doing, children can learn to verbally express their feelings and learn what behaviour remains acceptable.


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