The Joy of An Ex - Rainbows: Peer Support Groups for Children And Youth

Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler

During the separation/divorce process, past wisdom held that, as far as the children were concerned, "They'll get over it," or "He was too young to know what was going on," or "Children are resilient - they'll bounce back!" A recent study entitled "The Project on the Moral and Spiritual Lives of Children of Divorce" (Marquardt, 2005) interviewed 1570 young Americans, between the ages of 18 and 35, half from intact families, half from divorced families. Elizabeth Marquardt's subsequent book Between Two Worlds-The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce attempts to answer the question: If your parents love you and they get along reasonably well with each other, why is their divorce still so wrenching for the child? Marquardt determined that all the children of divorce whom she interviewed felt that their parents' divorce was central to their childhoods and who they are today. They grew up too soon. They were not sure where they belonged. (Question: did Marquardt indicate in the results of the study what age the children were at the time their parents divorced? If so, it might be useful to indicate this: there is enough parental guilt associated with divorce!)

Marquardt's study is one of a long line of studies over the years, acknowledging that divorce has an undeniable impact on children. The question that parents, teachers, grandparents, lawyers, counsellors and others should be asking is "What can we do for our children and youth to lessen the pain of such a loss?" The answer, I believe, is involvement in the RAINBOWS program.

As the 1970's were coming to an end, Suzy Yehl Marta, a divorced mother of three young sons in a Chicago suburb, came face-to-face with the impact that her marriage break-up was having on her children. In her book, Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope, Suzy describes working at three jobs, trying to keep the household together and feeling like she was "running on drained batteries". But the kids seemed to be just fine. However, they were hurting as much or more than she, if only she had the time to notice and reflect.

A year after her divorce, and still numb from the pain of it, Suzy took a long, hard look at her sons: their grief and pain was manifesting itself in poor grades, fighting with each other, getting into trouble at school or withdrawing into their own world at home. "My children - the most precious beings on earth to me - had been hurting all this time and no one, not one single adult, had made the connection between the divorce, their behaviour, and their emotional pain." Understandably, then, her sons had never been given an opportunity to talk to anyone about how they were feeling. Their actions had taken the place of words. Enquiries at her church, then at the school for a program for her sons were to no avail.

Suzy Marta's quest for a healing program for her own children eventually led her to develop RAINBOWS, an international not-for-profit organization offering peer support for children, youth and adults. The Canadian National Office is in Barrie, Ontario, and is responsible for establishing RAINBOWS sites across Canada.

As an elementary school principal, I saw first-hand the impact of unresolved grief on the youth in my schools. Angry outbursts, falling grades, run-ins with staff, day-dreaming and distractibility in class or withdrawal from school activities all were indicators that a student was struggling with some very difficult issues. It was especially noticeable when this behaviour was out of character for a child. Perceptive, caring teachers would voice their concern, perhaps at November interviews, and a parent might disclose that there had been a separation or that divorce proceedings were underway.


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